Censorship

   I'm about to get really real, here. I am much more comfortable writing things down than I am actually speaking to people. I'm a good Midwestern girl and we were raised to believe conflict is bad and no one should ever be mad at us. My best friend and I have never fought. We've known when the other person is mad at us, but we have never sat down and had a real fight. There was one time when she said something that hit a nerve and I knew it was more my issue than anything that she had done and I got off the phone abruptly. I've done the same with many of my friends/coworkers. I would rather sit and stew and talk myself down than confront someone over what they said or did that made me angry or hurt. Then, I generally push down those feelings, let things simmer, and then, when someone says something that should not bother me too much, I'll either explode or become incredibly passive aggressive. It's not really a great way to be a friend. I'm working on it. 

  The older I get, the less I care about what people think about me. I used to process anything I took as criticism as a personal attack. I'm learning, as a twenty eight year old, that we all have filters. How many times have I said something to a person and then had to explain what I said and how I meant it because they had taken it another way? I do the same in reverse! Someone can say to me, "Have a nice day," and if I choose, I can hear that as a sarcastic comment or a sincere well-wishing. But, I need to work on handling what I believe is someone censoring my behavior. My reaction is generally like this: It's MY behavior. Just relax. If you don't like it, then don't do it. You don't have to tell me not to. There's stuff that you do that I don't enjoy, but I just roll my eyes internally and move on (unless you're my mom, then I make a comment because I love getting your goat). 

  I love to tell stories and I love being the center of attention. I have also never cared about class and professional boundaries. I'm me. I act the way that I act whether you're my CEO or my custodian. I want people to see me as a person first. I don't ever want to be promoted because I wore the right clothes or attended the right events or kissed the right butt. I want to be promoted because I work hard and I deserve it. I went to an outing once with some coworkers and higher ups in the company as a way to cope with a horrible project. Yes, it was a work outing, but it was not on work-time. Everyone had a couple of drinks and we were telling war stories and I started telling mine like I would if I was around anyone. Loud, with accents, a little off color, and one involved saying the word "underwear". One of my coworkers, I felt, was giving me looks of censure and making comments about being afraid of where my stories would go. And it bothered me so much because I felt that she didn't realize that I was reading the people I was talking to. I was looking at their reactions and their faces and seeing whether they thought I had gone too far. That's my survival instinct. That's my strength. I know when people want me to continue or to shut up. And I was killing it!

   I once had a phone call with a company and I took it in front of a couple of my friends. I was telling the woman on the phone that I had two different banks: because I was living in Arizona and I kept my Iowa bank and then opened a national bank account as well. I made a joke to the phone agent that having two bank accounts made me sound like a drug dealer and my friends were horrified. The phone agent thought it was hilarious! She and I giggled and then I completed my call and everything was fine. Again, I could tell she was someone that could take the joke. She didn't automatically write me up and call the FBI or IRS to investigate whether I was laundering money. And, if she had, they weren't going to find anything. Just like when I opt not to take my credit card receipt at a restaurant or gas station and I tell the attendant, "You can steal my information, but you won't get very far." That way they know, girl's got money issues, steal someone else's identity. I'm not saying anything because I'm a criminal, I'm being a real human having a real human conversation. 

   I also get very obsessive about different things: books, tv shows, movies, actors. I had one friend tell me that she was tired of hearing about my current boy crush. Well, that's okay, I get sick of hearing about stuff you talk about, too, but I just let you go on because, if you're talking about it, you must need to. My obsessions last for a couple of months and then they go away. Just ride it out. That's what I do. When you tell me that you're tired of hearing about what I'm interested in, then, to me, that often tells me that you're not interested in me. I don't talk about my job-the work I do-I'll tell stories about the people I work with. I talk about what I'm obsessed with at the moment. Or articles I've read. Or what my counselors told me I need to work on. Those are all aspects of me. My mom and best friend both tell me a lot of stories about their work and what's involved, and I listen (or, if I'm having a bad day, I'll at least pretend to listen) because they want me to be involved in their lives and, a lot of the time, they're talking it through in order to process it. My obsessions are the way I process the world. I don't drink a lot and act out in an alcohol-induced haze. I don't use drugs. Those are things to censor. Instead, I make jokes and tell stories and talk about things because that's how I process the world.  

   I get so irritated when other people act like I'm doing something wrong. Just because you wouldn't say it doesn't mean it's not okay for me to say. As long as I'm not screaming racial epithets, threatening to harm/kill anyone, or bullying anyone, what I have to say is fine. Why do I have to conform to your standards of communication? Why do I have to tamp down my personality because you wouldn't say what I do? This is who I am. I'm recognizing, however, that there are two things that can change here. Either everyone in the world can stop trying to control or contain my behavior or I can just stop letting instances like these bother me. I'm not a complete fool, I know that, especially in our social media society, people are always going to have something to say about the way that I speak or act. Because, in the same way that I feel so strongly about how it's okay for me to be me, they feel that the way they are is the way everyone should be. I need to look at me and ask why it bothers me so much that someone else doesn't like what I do or say. If I don't have a problem with it, that's all that matters. I can't point fingers outside of me and say, "You don't like when I talk about my obsessions and that's all your fault!" I have to look at me and say, "What about that bothers me and is that something that I can bring up calmly and explain my feelings? Or is it something that doesn't even need to be said because it's my issue?" 

  So, I guess, in the end, this blog post is a request to anyone who gets sick of listening to my obsessions: hearing about my celebrity boyfriends, my baby bear, my favorite tv shows-will you please bear with me? Because, when you tell me that hearing about my obsessions doesn't matter to you, I feel like, since they are so intertwined with me, that you are telling me that I don't matter to you. I also make a promise to become a better listener and to try to support you in your obsessions. And, if ever I make a comment or tell a story or act a fool in your presence, can you just say, "That's Meleah," and know that any consequences that may come from my actions, I will deal with? I'm just me. I don't know how to be any different.